Guilt .. its part of life...

Welcome.. Been a long time.. Time.. Time is a funny thing.. it sneaks up on you like a thief in the night and before you know it you are on the verge of 50 blogging while doing the Suzanne Summers thigh master because you feel guilty for sitting still for that long...
Yes.. I can rock the thigh master... I love it.. actually.. the thigh master along with the Fascia Blaster have allowed me to stay clear of the cellulite ridden legs of most people more than middle age as I am.
I am past middle age now and am on the downhill slide
Getting old terrifies me... to be honest.. looking at myself in the mirror most days terrifies me.
Somewhere in between 43 and 48 old man Time sneaks up on you and steals your youth.
I am a Nana to 3 so I suppose I shouldn't feel like I'm 20 ..but I do.. I DO feel like I'm 20.
I'm a 20 year old stuck in a 49 year olds body.. with three grand babies.

So much has happened since the last time I blogged I cant possibly tell you everything.. I CAN tell you the one defining moment was the death of our beloved Tracy.
Marks sister was 46 years old when she passed of Cancer leaving behind three beautiful children ... one devastated husband and brother and two forever changed parents.

If someone tells you time heals all wounds they are lying.
Time does not heal .
Time allows  you to process and learn how to live with loss in a new way of life... but it does not heal.

There is a sense of guilt that comes when a loved one close to you dies.. It is palpable.
Not if it is a person that has lived a full life and is ready to move on..
No I'm talking about the one that shares your age, your lifestyle.. your hopes and dreams...
The one with children that are now left without a mother.
The one who loved without boundaries and had a whole life ahead of them.

You feel a sense of guilt for living. for having grandbabies.. for waking up.
For planning weddings and birthday parties.

Right now as I sit.. I am watching some show with talking pigs with hair on their faces..nick jr.... as my two year old grandson runs up and down the stairs in between playing with me and waiting for the brownies he and his mommie made from scratch to be finished baking.

Jordan.. and his wife Jenn recently moved back from California here to Texas... So did Tyler and Amber.. Carli and Chet also purchased a house close to us so we are all within about 20 miles of each other which is an amazing thing. Jordan and Tyler .. and sometimes even Jenn still work in California so it can be challenging but they all seem to be making it work..

Jenn hates staying home alone when Jordan out of town so her and Ryan spend a lot of time her which is just fine by me.. Mark is traveling quite a bit these days so it relieves the loneliness for us all.

There have been a bunch of blessings.. a lot of hardship too.
Thinking back over the last few years I am amazed at all we have overcome.....
A loss of a job.. a loss of a sister.. a diagnosis of a blood disease for my baby girl. Just to name a few...
It reminds me that all things are temporary.. that all mountains can be climbed and that we should never ever give up.

That you should love without judgement.. laugh without boundaries and just live every single day to the fullest no matter what it may be in the season you are in.
Some of us it means getting to get to the bottom of the laundry basket.. others it is finishing the 25k.
Whatever it is for you.. do it..
get up off the couch and live.
Just live.
When I leave this life behind my only hope is that those that knew me can think of me with a smile.
That I was able to give that to them.
Maybe because I have 500 bottles of shampoo and 300 bags of chips.
Maybe because I always say what I feel.
Maybe because I loved them..Really loved them.


Okay friends.. thank you for spending some time with me.. I promise I will update as I have lots to tell!
We are planning a wedding!!

My defining moment of thought.
Guilt cant get you anywhere .. and you cant change anything.
I know it hurts.
The past is just that ..The past.
learn from it.

Life as We Know it...

My Friends...It has been way too long... I am sorry I have not taken the time to catch up with all of you... Can you gather round me now as I try to get you up to speed.....?
I know I have not been good at keeping up...Lord knows I have good intentions...but...Life...it always seems to get in the way....
Life as we know it... This is such an oxymoron..is it not?....Is life ever really as we know it...? I think not... it is like a raging river... you never know what is around the corner...sometimes you get thrown off the raft....most the time actually...but when that happens...you have a choice to make... either climb back on the raft and enjoy the rest of the ride.....or stay and drown.
There have been times where I thought I should just like to stay and drown... just too tired to climb back up... Why should I when I most likely will just get tipped over once again...
There does come a point, in your life... when you realize that no matter how many times you get knocked off.. you will continue to climb back on...I can't tell you exactly when that point will come in your life...but it will...
So... the past year... hmmm.... not really alot of fun actually... Well...there were some good times... Lots of margaritas with the girls, trips to Disney, and of course the store...
The good times... that is what keeps us all going ....right? It's like when you are on vacation in Disney and it is 20 degrees so you go to the park, and cant really do anything at all for the cold... You just wander around, looking for the next warm building and watching your mother in law run into people with her electric motorscooter...(that is a story upon itself...) But the point is.. that even though you really think Oh I am miserable... when you get home.. you think ... that was so much fun! The funny memories, everyone walking around complaining... the way we all looked with red noses and rain ponchos on... those are good times....
So you get through the bad times... by focusing on the good times....
We are still struggling with the job situation with Mark... he has a good job right now, but still is underpaid and it is based in New jersey...
Jordan,,,, poor boy...after surviving his skull fracture... he totalled his truck last week....
It seems as if it never ends...
But.. I know we are not the only ones... and I know how blessed we are even through the hardships...
Our kids are the best....
Tyler and Amber and Lex moved to California and are living their dream....They are both successful and my baby girl is in Kindergarten... I can't tell you how happy and proud it makes you to watch your children grow up, and be successful.
Brooke graduated from College and is now growing in her relationship with our Lord.. which fills my heart with peace beyond imagination.
Jordan is doing well.... in spite.. he too.. is learning to put his faith in God ... for he is the only one that never wavers.... He does such a great job for us running the ice cream shoppe..... It is so nice not to have to worry about a thing when he is there...
Carli is now a freshman in College at the University of Utah... and has decided that growing up is not all it is cracked up to be...Juggling College, sorority and work, is really putting a strain on her young mind... But as I have told her, Life is about juggling.... just take one day at a time... Have Faith and Pray Pray Pray!!!!! I am in awe of her struggle...!
Sydnee is a Junior now at Aledo and is doing amazingly well... I am so proud of her moral stance and how she will not allow the poison of some of the youth get through to her.
She is so smart...Such a good girl...
Zach is doing great as well... is walking without his walker, only uses hand crutches now and has also gained about 10 pounds this year which was much needed....
He hates school...but what else is new.. he is smarter than his teachers I think sometimes... he tends to correct them when they give the wrong historical information... I don't think they appreciate that much......(:
Finally our little Savanna... not so little...but still our baby of seven...Still a little Princess... She is truly and angel on earth.. She does not have a mean bone in her body... although she is still confused by the phrase You dont get everything you want!
So there it is.. a quick update... I do have to say through all the trials there have been moments of profound joy and peace.
I find myself often times just reveling in the craziness of our lives...the stores... the clothing lines...the dogs...the house... How I love it....
No our life is not for everyone.. But it is perfect for us.

Carla...My friend and partner...( I LOVE HER) and I have started a clothing line for girls, a clothing line for boys and are now in the process of launching Take Back Faith... a clothing line for juniors and young adults... I see great things ahead for us...
I am still working 40 hours a week for AA... Tiring.. I know... That job alone requires its own novel... But continue to work I must... for I love the benefits too much . No trips to Disney on a whim without AA!
(trying to talk daddy into taking us this week...!(:)

So my friends... as I draw this to a close please remember to keep God in your heart... to keep reaching for your dreams... to believe in yourself... even if others don't... to not listen to what naysayers may say... for you and God know the truth....
Always strive for better things... never give up... Live your life... Love your friends...
Eat lots of chocolate chip cookies!

Defining Moment...Having my husband tell me this morning once again that I am the love of his life...

good night all....

She is running... a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction.
Good evening friends.... It has been a while... I am another year older, Holidays have come and gone...although it still looks like Christmas around here as Toys are still strewn and decorations still are holding on to their last moment of glory.
Not that they are there on purpose... Just haven't had time to take them down yet.
But all of that can wait for as I was on way home from airport this afternoon this song came on the radio and God spoke to my heart. I stopped on the way home and purchased the Cd and listened to it all the way home....
There is so much to tell you... so much has happened since we last spoke... But my friend that , too , will have to wait for I am to share the good news of Our Lord and Savior.
How I was that girl, the girl running in the wrong direction, The hole inside my soul , bigger than the widest canyon.
The yearning for something.. anything....
How with one persons love, in my darkest time turned my life around.
Shs is in heaven now, but still with me.
How she must rejoice in knowing that she has not only created the person I am, but how I can now share my story.
How God brought her to me, for a short time, but a most Wonderful time. She was my Southern Mama. She loved me unconditionally for a short and sweet time. She was the first person that really validated me as a person. She told me I was beautiful, talented and that God loved me, and that even though I had made alot of mistakes, his Love would cover it all up, his grace would suffice.
It is amazing to me, even now the influence she had on me.
Blondes are Beautiful... Enjoy Life...Shop til you Drop...Yes Pat... I hear you... even now.
You must know that your work in me is miraculous.
That the Love that our Lord has placed in my heart , my love for life, My eagerness to love as much as I can I owe all to you.
When I get to Heaven, please meet me there.
For it is you, my friend that will have gotten me there.
I am so filled with Love for life... I am joyous... I want to shout from the rooftops that God is Great... Look at me!
Don't you see what love can do?
All of us have felt lost, alone, desperate... for something.
This, I know.
Why is it we search for answers.?
There are none.
That my friends, is our test.
If you spend your life trying to find reasons for your pain, it will never leave you.
What if the skies opened up right now and our Lord was standing there. What would we do.
None of us is perfect, God knows our hearts. Truly.
Who else can we turn to other than the one who has promised us everlasting life and forgiveness.
We must know that our battles will never be won. Not on this Earth.
Can you just sit with me for just a minute as my friend.
Can you just close your eyes and ask Jesus to fill you with Peace.
For strength, not for understanding.
Can you let him love you like noone else can.
Let JOY live inside you.
You can live your dream.
If others doubt you, let them.
For God will never doubt you.
Grab hold of this one life that you were given.
Stop running in the wrong direction.
Turn towards God and just take one step.


Lifes Defining Moment.. Jordans 21st Birthday and he is letting my buy him Cowboy Boots...(:

I am a fish. That is what I feel like... A fish taken out of its home.. just happily swimming along with all my family and friends.. only thing to worry about is what I am going to eat for dinner... Of course, all is not perfect... the sharks come through, the fisherman casts his pole..... I may get lost for a moment..... or two... but still...I am with the rest of the fish doing as I have always done.
Then one day God pulls me out of the water.
I am thrashing, trying to breathe...flipping and flopping ....and he says to me in his still quiet voice...:
"Stop... hold still....do you not have faith in me...? Do you not know that the thrashing and flipping is only making it harder on you?"
So... Now I see... A fish... taken out of one ocean... a Wonderful ocean with beautiful sunsets and plenty to eat.... An ocean where predators are scarce and for the most part keep their distance.
And even when troubled times arose...they lasted only a moment.
So...here we are.... 5 months into this new life and I still find myself thrashing... I do know that God has his hand on us and will put us in a new body of water....where we will thrive....of course we will have to adapt to new waters.... watch out for different kinds of predators and everything will change.
Hmmmm...You do know I am not one to adapt to change........Don't you? I liked my old ocean! The water there was PERFECT! I have watched it all around me... trials and tribulations..... hard times and wonderful times....friends loving ....friends losing.
Husband struggling.
So...today.....it was a tough one... I first must tell you that I am sorry we have not spoken in so long..I have not forgotten you...Not for a moment...You are always on my mind...in my heart...
As I have stated AA has decided that they like me better full time. That kind of puts a damper on my alone time...
They came and picked up Marks company car today. Boy that was hard...not the fact the car itself is gone...But the reality that he is really now without a job ....That is a hard one.
I feel God with me...I beg him every night for his Peace to fill my heart and he is always there for me...So I DO KNOW that all will be all right in the end.... But I am not a patient person......
As if you didn't know that already... I am kind of into instant gratification......It is the not knowing that kills us both....
Mark flies to Phoenix next week for an interview for a Great Job with a Great company...it is the job he wants with the title he deserves...But it is in Phoenix.
If you know me you know I do enjoy Marks travels when he is gone for a night or so here and there...Pizza night here at the Damato house and Savanna says it is Girl Party time..!(:
But for him to be gone all the time? I don't think this little fishy will be very happy...How will I run the store....the Ice Cream Shoppe?
I should add that our adorable Ice Cream Shoppe will be open in less than two weeks.... It is called Scoop Me, and we are all looking forward to it......Through all this we have been incredibly blessed......I have always been blessed by my Sweet Father in Heaven.... All of this is not monetary though it may seem that way in my speaking....It is just as much having my husband broken down and down and out all summer that has taken its toll on me. Money... comes and goes.... But his poor spirit is so broken...even now ....
Lord Please give me strength now more than ever for the more time that passes the sadder he gets.
I am thrashing around as well.... as I stated....not quite sure what to do... which way to turn....
Next year this time we will be sitting on the porch of our Ice Cream Shoppe looking back at this year and reflecting on all God has taught us throughout...It is the times like these that we start to appreciate.
This new ocean.... hmmmm...... The water may actually turn out to be better...sweeter....the light filtering through the water ........the way the moon hits at night.......
Change is good....Right?
God will put us in our new ocean....I fear we may have to stop thrashing about first.
How hard is it to just surrender.... Well my friend...it is hard.
Fighting for breath in a new place...taken out of your comfort zone all of a sudden.. in an instant.... ....of course you have to thrash at first....it is instinct....we are human after all and have it in us to fight....just as a fish feels as if it thrashes around enough it can escape and get back home.
I have watched friends struggling with things far worse than mine this year. I feel selfish even writing this.....But truly....I feel as if it is a lesson that God is teaching us and maybe through me we can all learn a lesson.... that no matter what.....we must surrender.
Throw our hands in the air.

You know he is there...You feel him.... That warmth in your heart.....that tear in your eye.
That Joy that only he can bring.I have to stop and grab onto those moments. Think of the past..... that gets you to the future.
Some people may say don't look back... of course....you must look back....always......
look at what you have been through... the mountains you have climbed..... the way God has carried you in times you were too weak to walk.I find great strength in remembering these things.
When you see what he has done for you in the past you know he will carry you through these tough times as well..... I know this......I do....but several times a day I still find myself panicking..... What if we have to sell the house...? What if .......too many what ifs to mention.
It doesn't help when you turn on the news and watch foreclosure rates jumping to record levels.... What my fellow countrymen are going through as well...It is all around us....People hurting.
Life is just hard sometimes....! There is no getting around it I suppose.. I know that in Gods eyes it is but a second.... But it sure feels like a long summer to me...!
Pray for my sweet husband that he knocks the socks off in his interview next Thursday in Phoenix.....We will get through whatever we have to for as long as we have to .....Good thing I work for AA.....!(:

On a brighter note... I love my husband...I love my life.... I love my house, my neighbors, my children and the Big Blue Texas Sky....I am in awe of what God has done for me ........Truly.
I have the most Wonderful friends and sisters in Christ......I attend a phenomenal church and get to work in my own cute little boutique every day. I am blessed.... Do you see why I loved my old ocean....? All this and my husband had the perfect job......
Okay okay....I am thrashing..... see? It sneaks up on me.....
Pray for this little fish.... that she is able to see the big picture.....That God put her in the new ocean for reasons only he may know.May we all thrive in our new ocean!
May you thrive as well my friends.... I know you have all been struggling as well....May God give you the Peace and the strength to make it through....May you all overcome and be joyful ..May we all cry out his name in praise...
and may we all stop thrashing.....

Love you all...

Defining moment...Remember how I told you they picked up my husbands car today...?
Well as only he could do...he bought me a new convertible VW completely impractical car but one I have wanted for a very long time...Just goes to show you..... He is one in a million. Thank You Jesus.....Your Grace is amazing...Your love abounding and your lessons.....Hard.

Well My friends..It has been a long time... It has been a crazy Summer... This going back to work full time thing has been quite the adjustment to me...! Honestly I have worked more in the past two months than I hd worked in the past two years... I know... I know... all good things must come to an end...
Hmmmm.... where to start....?
Tyler, Amber and Lexie drove all the way from Fort Wayne Indiana to spend the week with us here ... They arrived first thing this morning after driving ALL night.... So nice to have almost everyone under one roof...
I have been doing alot of thinking lately about life, and how quickly things change. One day you are just living your life worrying about what kind of cereal to buy... and the next the whole rug gets pulled out from under your feet.... What can you do....Really....Stop Living? Curl up in the fetal position and pretend nothing ever happened...Or deal with it... Honestly... we really don't have a choice ....Do we? We must trudge on... No matter what roadblocks are put in our path. When you think about life.... this is the only one we have.... Is it worth dwelling on all the negative things or should we just push forward......Look around ... Bad things are happening all around us...To friends, to family...to complete strangers......cliche cliche... Someone always has it worse than you.
Mark is feeling better now about things... seems to be more positive and that for me, gives me the strength I need to get through this. I know now that he will find a job .... I am just praying that it is the right one for him.
Bring on the Rain as they say.....We are tough...Instead of running in to escape it... I feel we will just let it fall around us... soaking through our clothes and making puddles to splash our feet. Knowing that with the rain.... comes creation... a new beginning... a cleanliness that wasn't there before.....
Let the Rain pound down on us with all its fury..... For the rainbow that follows will be the most beautiful...The most colorful.... The most enjoyed.
My friends... if we never hurt , if we never struggle... we have never lived.
Our Pastor says...Embrace your Trials... Learn from them.
Whew..... I was never one for embracing hardship.... I kind of really hate confrontation. Before I was old and wise enough to understand our Lords grace I was the one who put the blame of my issues on someone else... Of course... there are things that happened to me, to most of us really that probably shouldn't have. But we cannot use that as an excuse for destroying the rest of your life.
Learning to forgive is something I struggle with daily... and I still have a real trust issue... But I have found that when I step out and let someone in... it is a million times better than not.
I have been so blessed in our move to Aledo with the amazing people I have met and who are now a part of my life...You all know who you are... I have to say that my heart is full of love for all of you.
Even though my life is crazy... and yours too.... know I am always thinking of you... Thank you for taking a chance on me... and for allowing me to be a part of your life.
God is at work in my life... and in yours... of this I am sure.

Took everyone to our fave restaurant this eve JOe T's... Everytime we have company.. which has been a lot lately we get to go there... I never tire of it... I think Amber was a little hot... need to get her used to this Texas Heat... But I always love going there... the atmosphere is great...the food amazing...If you have never been there... Please go...!

Finally started construction on our Ice Cream Coffee Shoppe this past week... It is a novel in itself to try to explain the issues of trying to build a food service building... Wow... But it is finally done and underway and I am putting faith in our Lord that it will be successful....

My Lord
Thank you for giving me children that love me
no matter what
Thank you for always being there for me
no matter what
Thank you for showing me the light
no matter what
Thank you for laughter, and tears
no matter what
Thank you for your grace
no matter what
Lord
You will always come first
no matter what.

Defining Moment... Lexi..." I am Nanas Baby"

Well My Friends...Thank you once again for coming to spend some time with me..
I have been praying for all who read this... That somehow, the Holy Spirit will touch your life.
The way that he has touched mine.
That as you look back through the rear-view mirror of your life you will come to realize
That nothing is by chance
All we have been through ,
The Good ,The Bad, and The Ugly as they say
Have brought you to where you are now.
How God has worked through others
to bring us closer to him.
I am humbled every day knowing that every single day of my life he loves me.
No Matter what.
He fills that space in your soul, you know... that emptiness... that feeling of loneliness.... of hopelessness...
I can tell you... from experience that there is only one answer to the Pain you are feeling.

There is something that I am guilty of that I must confess. I have had many friends whose husbands have lost their jobs over the past year. I have not been there for them like I should have. Funny how when something happens to someone other than yourself you have a hard time putting yourself in their shoes.
I am in your shoes now.
Will you please forgive me for not being there for you as I should have?
Really had no idea how devastating losing a job is for a man... Even as a wife who knows that her Husband will find a job worthy of him, I am still reeling from the shock.
Watching your husband worrying every single day is not a fun thing to go through...
As I have stated in the Past... I have tried to invoke my Faith that God will provide into him... but this is his lesson.
Who knows what this will do to our lives...what lessons will be learned..
How you should never never underestimate the importance of a job to a man...
How you should always be there in times of need.

This is one tough Valley we are trudging through...filled with all kinds of thorny bushes and rocky paths. But God is on our side. Of this I am sure. I feel him in my heart . I am sure a year from now... wherever where we may be...(hopefully still right here!) We will look back ..or down ... really... because I plan on keeping on trudging.... over the rocky paths... and up the mountain... Until we can look down and say...Look how far we have come... and feel the Beauty of all that is around us.
Life is Beautiful...Really. The craziness of it, The running all over taking care of kids, animals or whatever it is you do everyday. That, my friend is LIVING! Would you really have it any other way?
Really?
Look at your day today and make a collage in your mind of your favorite moments... Every day has them.
Focus on those... those special times... and Thank God for giving us this Life... For all the Joy, for all the Heartaches... The struggles... The bad times don't compare with the Good... Focus on the Good things...

We have had a couple of leads for Mark.... I am praying that he has a dozen offers and has to choose between them.Or just one job that he feels in his heart is the right one...

We had a Great time in Orlando...It was a nice break for us all and allowed us some time away ... It did wonders for Mark.... as I knew it would...
Laughter... The best medicine.
Well friends.. it is late... and I am tired...
Please continue to pray for Mark, as he makes his way through this time.

Defining Moment:The day you accept Gods Grace... without feeling you don't deserve it.

Love you all! Night Night...

Come sit with me... Tell me your story... I know you have one.... We ALL have a story to tell... Tell me of your trials and triumphs, your heartaches, your joys!
I wish I could sit with you all.... hear your stories.. How God has changed your life... How when you finally just gave up and handed it over what amazing things started happening in your lives! I want to hear them all! I want to share in your glorious transformations! Your stories give me hope, strength, inspiration!
Is it not amazing how God loves us!
Oh Friends... My poor husband is still struggling! How I hate to see him broken like this! How can I stay strong? I am praying and praying and trying so hard ! What more shall I do? I fear he will lose his mind if he does not have a job offer soon... and it has only been a week. He spends hours every day, (And night!) searching, calling everyone he knows ....I try not to get caught up in his worry but I am HUMAN!
Please God! Send him some Peace of mind and Heart!
I am comforted by our Lord, I am sure that all will be okay in the end.. But I cannot portray this to him.
I fear that this is between He and God and that I cannot push this upon him any more... That it is a Peace he must come to on his own as he struggles through....
I have to break in this for a moment and laugh... my two teenage daughters, Carli (17) and Sydnee (15) are doing P90X behind me in Sydnees room for the first time... Carli,( the cheerleader..). coaching poor Sydnee ( the writer...) It is quite entertaining... Lets see if they make it through!
I,myself,am taking a break from the lo carb diet in favor of the stress diet( not really by choice!)My mind and my Body seem to be on different playing fields... although in my mind I am calm my body sometimes is a churning mass of nerves! If I find myself with any idle time at all... I start over-thinking... I guess God put me back to work full time just in time... Funny how things work out that way... I don't really have time to worry between working, running the store and trying to keep these kiddos entertained.
We are all taking a short trip to Mall of America this week.. just a short overnight-er... but as I have stated in the past... I prefer the overnight trips... too many days away from home does me no good!
So we will take a little breather...have some fun away from home and hopefully get Mark some stress relief! (my ultimate goal!!! Have him forget for a minute!)
I love my life. I love where I am right now.. and I know it is only going to get better.. I have faith.. Whatever lessons we need to learn,we will learn...As long as we have faith and keep our focus on God... He will never let us down...That is awesome... I am so happy to be able to share with you... and I hope you can share with me... I want to hear... I want to know what Jesus has placed in your heart...
As we walk through life, looking around us, and maybe maybe just wanting to feel sorry for ourselves... take a deeper look... look at the homeless man on the corner... look at your neighbor who is hurting... think of the struggles of those all around us... I can tell you, as I have before,, we all have them.... all of us...... Someone may be going through something you never even will know about.. and those kind of struggles... those kind of things where someone feels as if they can't share their burden... those are the ones we need to become more sensitive too...
I promise...as you help others... take the focus off yourself... and put that energy into someone else... you will feel a different kind of satisfaction. Of Happiness....
But first... you must fill yourself up with Jesus... For without him... you are of no good to anyone.

Thank you friends.. for once again sharing this time with me... It has been nice talking to you once again...Thank you for sharing some of MY burden... for listening to me ... for taking the time to care...

Defining Moment.....having your kids help out with everything that needs to be done... with love in their hearts..and thankfulness on their lips...... Is there anything more you could possibly ask for?
Jesus...Thank you for changing MY LIFE!